Driving Miss Leslie

My dear husband insists that there is an invisible sign on the front of our van stating:

Don't Mind Me!

Go Ahead!

Just Pull Out In Front of Me!

I swear I think it must be true, because people do pull out in front of him all the time. I mean all the time; every time we go out. We can be driving along and even though there is no one behind us for 2 miles, someone inevitably pulls out in front of us. "Go ahead!" my husband will mutter, "We know you're more important than the rest of us and can't bear to wait 30 more seconds! Never mind that there's not a living soul behind me clear to the county line! Go ahead!"

This all started about ten years ago or at least that's when we began to notice it happening more and more often.  In my occasional analysis of this, I can't decide if it happens because:

a. People from certain unnamed western states are horrible drivers.
b. People have become terrible drivers in general.
c. They just don't teach people the basic tenets of good driving anymore.
d. Good driving manners have evaporated along with all other types of good manners.
e. People just seem to drive worse because we are getting older, thus we drive ever more carefully, undoubtedly ticking off everyone else who wants to go faster than the posted speed limits.
f. All of the above.

But it isn't just the pulling out in front of us. There are also the frequent occurrences of turning left from the right lane and turning right from the left lane. "Yep!" hubby grouses sarcastically, "That's how I do it, too!" And he always points out every gray vehicle driving in the rain, with no lights on. "Way to go! Now we can really see you!"

Then there is the sourpuss attitude my husband gets into when someone goes by in a Ram 1500, Ford F650 or any large pick-up truck. I'm sure it's some sort of testosterone-driven envy or something. "Oh-oh," he grumps, "Here comes a BNT!" In his vernacular, BNT stands for "Big-Nuts Truck" meaning the fellow driving is compensating for a lack elsewhere... "These guys that just have to have a BNT oughtta learn how to drive the dang things first!" While I'm sure those remarks are purely his masculine ego barking, he does have a point about the lack of driving skills. Those guys do tend to take their half out of the middle.

Speaking of that, my husband has recently developed a tendency to suddenly bellow, "Lanekeeping!" as we roll along. I always jump and look around to see who has had the unspeakable gall to stray out of his/her lane. 

But I can't blame the poor guy too much. Twice in ten years, he was in accidents caused by people pulling out in front of him. The last time in 2012 totaled our car and he was lucky to walk away from that one with just a couple of bumps and bruises. A witness to the accident told us it was 'just like Dukes of Hazzard!' to see him go flying through the air over a berm and a ditch. So I get it that fear fuels part of his moderately controlled road rage.

Sadly though, I'm also noticing signs of old age creeping over my sassy, spicy spouse. He's developing cataracts that are bad enough to keep him off the streets after dark. Gonna have to get those taken care of soon. And I notice he's tending to drift out of his own side of the road more often as he gawks at everything but where he's headed. "Lanekeeping!" I say, when he does that. "I know what I'm doing!" he responds. 'Mmm hmm.' I think.

I often offer to drive, sometimes quite strongly. But no. He will not let me. He claims my driving terrifies him. I really don't understand that. I'm a terrific driver! But in reality, I have to admit:  I'm slowly forgetting how to drive...  

Ok, yes. When we had to go to Salt Lake City to the VA hospital for his outpatient surgery last year, I understand it made him a 'bit tense' when I suddenly hit the brakes and swerved right off the freeway. After all, I had to avoid slamming into the line of traffic that had inexplicably stopped in front of us. And on the way back, he couldn't drive at all, due still being somewhat sedated after the surgery. But I still don't see why he kept a white-knuckle grip on the chicken handle above his window the entire six hour trip home. Or perhaps it was just the faded memory of me crashing into a trash container while trying to park at the grocery store. After all, I hadn't driven in three months!

I just need more practice!

Till next time,

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers." ~ Dave Barry