Start focussing on your beauty care at an early age. Eight to ten years old is none too soon to start obsessing about your looks. Now that I think about it, we should start cultivating this in kindergarten.
It's time to forget about the face you were born with. It's never pretty enough, so it's vital you achieve a mental vision of the face you want the public to see. Aim for it and never stop shooting for total, flawless perfection.
Forget about Barbies. Let Santa know that a lighted, magnifying makeup mirror is at the top of your list.
Get Mom to let you start watching beauty videos on YouTube. Build up a vast subscription list of hundreds of beauty video creators.
Nag Mom for your own makeup every time she goes to the store. Don't settle for innocuous 'kiddie appropriate' things like nail polish and Chapstick. Go for hardcore items like black eyeshadow, false lashes and anything loaded with glitter.
Practice various makeup techniques as learned from YouTube multiple times daily. Make sure you load a lot of everything on.
Don't worry if your look is vaguely reminiscent of Ronald MacDonald: practice makes perfect.
It's never too early to start building your vocabulary for your future online beauty presence. Incorporate such deep, thought provoking buzzwords and phrases such as "Slaaaay", "on Fleek", "Killzzz", "Beat/Beatface", "Sickening", "Giving me Life", "For the Gods", "Holy Grail", "Ride or Die", and "Kylie, Kylie, Kylie."
The Intermediate Beauty ~ Ages 13 through 19
Never leave the house without a full face of glam (including false lashes), even if you're just going out to the mailbox.
Lie on your bed and stare at your face in the mirror (preferably a 10x or 15x magnifying one) for hours on end. Study everything about it so you thoroughly understand your facial structure and know exactly every pore, stray hair and freckle so you can spackle, pluck, conceal, and restructure every feature.
Hang your head backwards off the edge of the bed while still staring at yourself in the mirror, so you can see how gorgeous you are without that bit of teen pudge under your chin. You really do look like you could be one of the Jenner sisters, don't you?
Practice winged eyeliner on the daily. Don't worry if the natural shape of your eyes is not actually conducive to wearing exaggerated wings. Wear them anyway. Because natural is not acceptable.
Tune into YouTube every single day and never miss a single video from your favorite Beauty Gurus. Watch avidly as they demonstrate cut creases, baking, extreme contour and strobing. Practice these techniques religiously.
Make sure you master eyeshadow techniques for hooded eyes. Even though the only hood you have is on the back of your sweatshirt.
Whatever your favorite Gurus buy or are sent as PR must be obtained as soon as possible. It's really not out of the ordinary for teenagers to own bin upon bin of high-end outrageously expensive cosmetics or entire limited edition M⋄A⋄C collections. Hone in on haul videos so you don't miss anything new.
Eschew homework, good grades and extracurricular sports or other learning/team activities. You'll need to use that time getting an after-school job so you can afford those status cosmetics. Especially the high dollar skincare products, because you are sure you saw the faint beginnings of crow's feet forming at the outer corners of your eyes on your sixteenth birthday. You know, right next to that new zit...
The Full Blown Beauty ~ Ages 20 to 39
Now that you have had at least a decade of practicing every makeup artist technique that's come down the pike, it's time to concentrate on your surroundings.
While you meander down the broad and flowery path to total makeup obsession, keep up with every single fad and trend by continuing to watch your Beauty Gurus on the daily.
Aim for having an entire room devoted strictly to makeup and cosmetics, as a small corner is simply not good enough any longer. It's advantageous for this to be a master bedroom with an attached bathroom for convenience. If you still live with your parents, work on getting them to give up that master bedroom suite to you. After all, they don't need that kind of space, do they?
Paint said room white or blush pink and furnish with the ubiquitous white Alex drawer units. Be prepared to spend at least $1000 to $1500 or even more, so you have enough storage space for your growing cosmetic collection.
If your budget allows, add a giant mirror outlined with Hollywood-style globe lights above your vanity.
Decorate the area with white fairy lights and other white accessories and be sure to obtain a large white ceramic mug with your initial emblazoned on it in gold to house part of your growing makeup brush collection.
If you are new to the beauty game and didn't do the following while in your teens, it's never too late to launch yourself across every social media platform available. Make sure you are posting multiple selfies daily via Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook at the very least.
Once you've mastered those networking basics, you can branch out into other platforms such as Vine, Reddit, Periscope, Tumblr and more. It's true those are not nearly as popular, but it's important to plaster yourself across every corner of cyberspace available.
Ensure you have mastered the kissy-face, the duck-face, the model pout, the come-hither-I-want-you-to-ravish-me (aka fish-gape) face. You need a plethora of various selfie poses so your social media offerings don't get boring.
Launch a YouTube channel. Everyone does. Be prepared to get a lot of hate, so develop a very thick skin. No matter what you do or say on YouTube (or any other social media), people will criticize you. They will pick you apart and dissect everything about you because they feel if you've put yourself out there, you are prime game for every nasty crack imaginable.
Expect to be dragged through the mud for being too young, vain and stupid or too old, vain and ridiculous. You'll be accused of having sold out commercially and are in it only for the money/free products that companies will send you. Internet trolls will thumbs-down every video you upload and say absolute crap about you on your comment forum. They'll say you look like you're 80 when you haven't even hit 30 yet. They'll start internet fights with your loyal followers because no one will just ignore them, but come rushing to your defense (also know as feeding the trolls).
The Aging Beauty ~ Age 40 and Beyond
Sadly, it's time for you to embrace the fact that the minute the clock struck 12:01 a.m. on your fortieth birthday, you automatically became OLD and lost all your good looks.
Now you must go through your entire cosmetic collection and purge out everything that smacks of youth and frivolity. Get rid of every single eyeshadow, lipstick and blush that has even a smidgen of sheen, shine or nano particle of micro-glitter. Because that stuff is now only for the young and nubile. Think matte, matte, matte. (Of course, this does not apply if one is strobing.)
Avoid bright colors of any sort. You don't want to become known as Rainbow Brite. Stick to the ever present neutrals: Brown, light brown, gray brown, greige, taupe, medium brown, universal brown, warm brown, cool brown, dark brown, pale brown, and the ever popular shit-muckle brown. If it's brown, you can wear it. But only if it's matte.
Stock up on every industrial strength anti-aging product you can get your hands on. Use them religiously. If you can afford it, slather them all over your body every night.
Become an anti-oxidant expert, both for internal and external use. Sip on an acai, blueberry and pomegranate smoothie while you relax, wearing your vitamin C, Mediterranean mud and bovine placenta sheet mask and your parsley seed oil and retinol body serum.
Now that you're OLD, that 10x or 15x magnifying mirror is just not going to hack it any longer. Obtain a 20x one and set to poring over every new crinkle and wrinkle.
Make sure you are plucking. Plucking or other depilatory measures are more important than ever. Especially when you notice your first gray or white eyebrow hair, start developing a tiny mustache or when nose hairs start getting especially long, waving at you in the mirror.
Practice the art of putting on eye makeup while wearing glasses. If necessary, invest in a pair of magnifiers with flip lenses. They'll come in so handy when you reach the bifocal stage.
Make sure you never let a gray hair appear anywhere. Never, never, never. God forbid. And that goes for eyebrows and other regions where you least expect to see gray. Unless you get Brazilians (the waxing, not the blow-out)...then never mind.
When you reach peri- and full-out menopause, beauty is more important than ever. Because even while you're drenched with sweat from a raging hot flash or simply ready to slit someone's throat at the least provocation, it's vital to look your best. So continue to sport a full face of makeup at every opportunity. Besides, now that you're entering your golden years, you really have to use up that gigantic makeup collection you've hoarded...you don't want your kids to have to deal with all that when you're gone, do you?
Make sure to invest in a quality magnifying glass to be able to read your lipstick and eyeshadow labels. I've found this invaluable.
If you haven't let yourself get all fat and flabby in your encroaching old age, be sure you are not dressing appropriately. Yes, I said not dressing appropriately. Always dress 20 years younger than you are. Because people are so easily fooled by appearances, right? Embrace lycra and spandex with a passion. It holds all that loose stuff in.
Above all, never let your guard down as you begin aging. No good fight was ever won by letting things slide, even though gravity is going to give you a run for your money.
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Disclaimer: This whole farce was written entirely tongue-in-cheek, not intended to offend, just meant to make you laugh or smile as I poke fun at mostly myself and my own lifelong vanity. I hope it worked.
Till next time,
"I loathe narcissism, but I approve of vanity." ~ Diana Vreeland
Scary funny.
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