Remember when you were a little kid and the first time Mom or Dad got you the big 64 pack of Crayola crayons? Remember diving into that box and pulling out all the 'fancy' colors that didn't come in the smaller boxes? Scribbling them on a clean piece of paper to see what they looked like. Even the names were exotic and exciting: Raw Sienna, Indian Red, Burnt Umber, Goldenrod, Thistle, Salmon, Sepia! Remember the incredible joy of holding what felt like the essence of a prism right there in your own hands? That feeling of ebullience that washed over you and settled somewhere in the region of your stomach and felt buoyant like you were filled with warm, fuzzy light? How immersed in well-being you felt; almost like you could float into the air! Ok, maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but that's what it was like for me.
That crayon box experience may have been the birth of my addiction. That's the same exact feeling I get when a new makeup palette comes my way. That I've snagged a chunk of rainbow and claimed it for my own! I don't actually need to wear the makeup. It's enough for me to just look at it, smell it, dip a fingertip in it and smear it on the back of my hand; hold it up to the light and take in the variance of colors and textures. It doesn't even have to be an entire palette of anything. It can just be one new thing--a new bottle of foundation, or cologne, or a lipstick. Or anything really. A new shirt or pair of shoes even. However, the bigger, better, latest, more desirable the item is (to me), the stronger the sensation, and the longer it lasts. Truthfully, nothing does it for me like new makeup, especially big lavish kits or eyeshadow palettes.
I'm no neuroscientist. Certainly no expert of any sort. I think that part of it is the novelty factor, but mostly it's my brain getting a big ol' dose of dopamine. As children, we were sometimes rewarded with a new toy or given a gift for some special occasion or good behavior. A big box of crayons, maybe? On receipt of the 'prize', our brains become awash with dopamine, prompting us to remember, on a neural level, that joyful and positive experience. And it's embedded and reinforced in us each time it happens. In some of us, the feeling is so strong or we are so susceptible to it, we become addicted to it on a variety of levels. We can't usually figure it out, we just know it happens.
I freely admit right here and now that I'm an addict and very weak to resist the lure of new stuff. Sephora and Ulta are my crack houses. I'm doing my best to control it and not let it control me...too much. (There's some collector mentality going on, too, but that might just be material for another post!) For some of us, when we get a little down or maybe even depressed, we often turn to what is easiest to get us back on that high. Whether it be a new lipstick, or a pill or a drink, we'll turn to whatever gives us that fleeting pleasurable high, that ephemeral sense of well-being. That darn rush of dopamine.
I used to be very embarrassed about my addiction. I still am to a large degree, but now I know there are thousands upon thousands of others who are afflicted the same way. I also know of yarn freaks, fabric fanatics. craft material junkies, and just general shopaholics. Not to mention rabid sports fans or gamers or....you get the drift. So though I still harbor a bit of shame about it, I feel a tiny bit better knowing I'm not the only one. In actuality, I suspect we are all '-aholics' of one sort or another and most are probably just in denial about it.
So there's my grand confession. Pardon me now while I go haul out some palettes and stare at them for a while.
Till next time,
“An over-indulgence of anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.”
― Criss Jami, Venus in Arms
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